18 October 2001

PORTRAIT OF A POOR PERFORMANCE

By United Views Columnist - Dangerous Greg

As I looked proudly at my painted Fabien Barthez portrait for art class, waiting for the night's entertainment on the tv seemed perfect. It was a perfect evening in almost every way as I flipped between CNN and ESPN, catching bits and pieces of the latest American perspective while awaiting, on the other channel, the kickoff at Old Trafford.
 
By the end of the evening's main event I thought I heard the Deportivo fans singing Barthez's name. Here was a footballer who managed to make United's best defender look like his lifelong partner in comedy. Another not-so-amusing thought was that Brown was an early substitute for United, and had he not come on I shudder to think what might have happened.

It was as if Barthez practiced really hard to look bad, because he was so good at it. Fabien was reduced from Superb Schmeichel-esque comparisons in his winning attitude to Terrible Taibi-ness in his clangers. He might as well have put the ball into his own net to save Sergio and Tristan their trouble. And to be fair, Lauren Blanc might as well  have helped to set the goals up himself because frankly he was no Beckenbauer tonight either.

It all began in the first minute when the worst offside trap in the world was on display yet again from the very first minute. Had it not been for good Old Denis Irwin looking pleadingly with his arms up like Oliver asking for more porridge at the linesman, Deportivo might have been a goal up from the beginning.

And when they were finally put through somewhere on 5 minutes or so, Diego Tristan tamely helped the ball into Barthez's grateful gloves as Johnsen helped himself to an injury while desperately tracking back to atone for his lack of concentration.

Johnsen's substitute Brown was actually fantastic. He did everything right, and then made great crossfield passes too. He was surpassed only by Ryan Giggs and van Nistelrooy, who frankly were the only two attacking players visible for United. They combined to get the first goal of the game when Giggs made a darting run in the middle of midfield, scrambling the ball away from one player and then putting it through the legs of another to find Ruud in an onside position. A classy finish from the 19 million pound man managed to give the home fans something to cheer about, and they clearly needed it as they were busy quietly munching away at those prawn sandwiches up till that point.

Frankly, the fans' support was equally below par.

They were silenced again when Deportivo deservedly struck twice to put themselves ahead. With the commentators running out of diplomatic things to say about the schoolboy United defence, it was only a matter of time before something gave way. The midfield of United were non-existent as Keane tried in vain to battle in midfield while Scholes was debating on whether to track back or make forward runs. No one was fighting for the ball, and Veron was making little gorgeous cameos here and there without actually gaining control.

But when the Deportivo equaliser came, Barthez took the limelight in the story of United's below par performance. As Brown brilliantly won the ball from Sergio, who had made a great run with the ball into the box, he waited for Fabien to collect. What happened next was absolutely incredible. Barthez managed to run out of his six yard box, totally missing the ball and colliding into poor Wes, thereby leaving the ball between the goal and Sergio, who just carried on running through. He couldn't miss even if he tried.

Needless to say, it was one of the blunders of the century.

The next goal was not as obviously unavoidable as the first, but it came from a header from Tristan as all the defenders, most notably Blanc, stood watching as if they were three thousand miles away in front of a television set, holding on hopelessly to the remote, glancing at a not-so-proud Fabien Barthez portrait for art class, and not being able to do a thing.

Then came the false hope as van Nistelrooy equalised with chip from a very very tight angle. The ball was played through to him from Beckham who didn't know what was going on as the ball hit him on the thigh from a long ball from Veron. Amazingly it was Beckham's best pass of the night.

Then came the second half. It really should have been United's half but shame on them, really. If anything it was worse than the first. No running, no tackling, no short passes, nothing but a lot of long balls to Ruud as if Manchester United were a non-league team who were immune to Fergie's hair dryer treatment at half time. There was no creativity except from Giggs. Scholes had a few tries from long range, and Keane was no where up front to help orchestrate things. He was busy waiting at the back because he knew Blanc and Co. wouldn't  be able to do anything except their flawless ball watching.

Then Barthez managed to make the first blunder look a little better by doing almost the same thing with the same defender, but this time a long long way out of his goal. Tristan scored this time, and to be fair it was taken quite well. Blanc, of course, was taking his own sweet time in getting to the goal line to clear.

As United desperately looked for that elusive goal they brought on Cole and Solskjaer and tried to play a with three up front.

Andrew Cole missed a point blank header.

Keane missed from outside the box.

Ruud missed a close range volley.

And finally, Giggs completed our misery by applying a weak header with United's last chance.

As Barthez coincidentally collected the ball at the final whistle on his Nightmare Night, twistedly much like David Beckham's Dream Day at Old Trafford, you could see the pain written all over his poor face. It will be a while before I open my car booth to bring out that portrait again.

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